Burdensome Thoughts
by Just.Know.That.I.Love.You
Summary: He left her. She misses him. How does she deal with it? This is a story about Kensi in the aftermath of when Jack left her.


_**I know there are plenty of stories about Kensi after Jack left. This is my take on it. In case you are wondering, this is about a month after he left.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS: LOS ANGELES. If I did, there would have been an episode with Jack in it by now.**_

She is alone. All alone. Her face buried in a pillow, she tries to remember what it was like before. It's hard, but she vaguely remembers long nights spent talking about everything and nothing, good bye kisses before heading off to work, and coming home to someone who actually wanted to talk. Nothing like the days after he got back. Nothing like the pain, the sadness, the quiet. She hates quiet.

In a way, his leaving is almost a relief. She has trouble admitting it to herself, but her life is a little easier. Some weight is off her chest. She doesn't need to worry if Jack took his pills, if he is safe at home, if he will make it another day. But when you love someone, you don't mind the worry. Anyways, the worry is still there. Just different.

She feels tears burning in the back of her eyes and works to control them, focusing hard on preventing their escape. She thinks that if she does something else, thinks about something else, maybe she can confuse the tears. It's not the best logic, but she gets out of bed just the same. Her apartment is dead silent. It reminds her of a funeral, and as she walks down the short hallway and into her combination kitchen/living room, she flips on the TV to add some noise. It is turned to a channel that she never watches, and she vaguely wonders if she sat on the remote at some point in time and didn't realize it. She turns to the fridge, pausing to glance at the pictures of her and Jack in happier times. She thinks about the time they decided to go for a hike and she managed to twist her ankle on the way up. Instead of going back down, Jack insisted on carrying her the rest of the way. The picture shows her and him at the top of the mountain as he promised, and even when she glances closely she sees no hint of pain in her eyes. He made her forget it.

Before she realizes what she is doing, she pulls the magnets off the fridge and watches as the pictures they supported flutter to the floor. She randomly picks one up. This one is of her and Jack at the bar they first met at. They are sitting in the same booth they had their first conversation in, and he is holding out a ring. She doesn't remember who took the picture, and she doesn't care. By the time she is done with it, the photo is in too many pieces to count.

She is surprised to find that she is sobbing, and as she slowly sinks to the floor next to the fridge she wishes that she could have stayed strong. She is mad at herself, mad that she is losing control. Her knees are pulled into her chest, and she feels them shake with every breath. She had been trying to be strong, trying to put up a front. Now she is done pretending, even if it is just for a night. She wants to scream, to throw stuff, to be angry. Anything would be better than falling apart on her kitchen floor at two in the morning with a cabinet door handle digging into her back. She cries for ten minutes, for the things she had lost, for the things she had yet to lose, and for the things she missed. It's after she calms down that she realizes that the Jack she misses has been gone for a long time. That thought sobers her up. The man she loves hasn't been around since he came back to her. That thought scares her and relieves her at the same time. It wasn't anything she did. He was broken before he came back. And she tried, but maybe it isn't all her fault. Maybe there WASN'T anything else she could have done. She says these things to herself, but she doesn't believe them. She never will. She is too stubborn.

After her crying jag she pours the juice she had originally planned to get into her favorite cup and goes back to the living room couch. Her eyes hurt from crying, and the glare of the TV is almost too much for her. She ignores it and sits on the couch, letting her mind drift into the world of whatever reality TV show was on her screen. As she watches, a girl gets voted off for not taking good enough pictures. It is some sort of modeling show, and despite the fact that she had absolutely zero interest in modeling, she finds herself getting sucked in. She watches three episodes, and by the time she gets to the third one she is hooked. It is an all-night marathon, but she is too tired to stay up and watch the whole thing. She sets her DVR to record the rest of the episodes and then turns the TV off. The silence is back, but this time she likes it. It beckons to her like an old friend, parts like water as she lightly walks back to her room.

As she crawls into bed, she vows that this will be the last time. She vows to not let herself break down again. She tells herself that she will be strong, that she won't let herself hurt. And while she knows that she can't eliminate emotion completely, she is going to try. She falls asleep thinking of this resolution. She wakes up with hope.

_**I may have gotten some points about Jack wrong from what was stated in the show. If you notice something and feel the need to let me know, just put it in a review. I might not fix it, but if you want to tell me, I would appreciate it. As always, peace.**_


End file.
